Courtesy of, part of the trolls section, published in September 2004, updated in November 2005


  • Never learn from your mistakes.
  • Always practice your mistakes; you may get them right.
  • Always pick on those smarter and tougher than you.
  • Always believe that only you know the TRVTH.
  • Never allow logic or reason get in the way of a good k00k.
  • When being overwhelmed by logic and reason: k00ksuit!
  • If you are going to be wrong, do it at the top of your lungs.
  • When caught in a lie: LIE!
  • When in doubt: Order the Crab Won Ton
  • Plagiarism is your friend. Use it.
  • Whenever contradicted; morph, start calling people names, and make false accusations. Include the children of your target in your allegations, even if they don't have any.
  • Post numerous blank posts, or posts containing only a message id.
  • Post numerous copy&paste web articles from crackerpot websites.
  • Never forget to call k00kologists "k00ks."
  • If there are several, call them "sockpuppets" too
  • Quote notorious scientists or writers - it makes it look as if they approve the drivel you are writing!
  • Ignore all traffic signs and feel free to trespass, you don't have to obey any rules.
  • Scare your enemies with lawsuits, police escorts and whines.
  • Always back up your empty (albeit noisy) threats with phony LARTs(1), false police reports, and harassing letters to the FBI and other gubbermint agencies.
  • Be vigilant in your redundancy. The more you repeat yourself, the more likely others will believe you!
  • If you can't find anyone as crazy as yourself to support you in the flamewars you start with the normal population, create sock puppets and use anonymous remailers that shamelessly hang on every word you write.
  • The more your fake personalities adulate you, the more respect you'll get!
  • Always remain clueproof.
  • When responding to one line challenges, post paragraphs of rants and screed in response.
  • Incoherency is not a roadblock to poasting(2).
  • Neither is illiteracy.
  • Delusions poasted often enough become fact.
  • Claim you will destroy <insert newsfroup(3)> for attacking you.
  • When spnaked(4), send cmsg(5) for Fanboi(6) newsfroup(s).
  • Find your Lame, Use your Lame, Be your Lame!
  • Post Edit when the TRVTH hurts.
  • Always sneck(7) the offending newsfroups.
  • Always poast pictures of yourself so you can be admired in all your k00ky glory.
  • Always accuse others of the very acts you are guilty of.
  • Post lots of boasts about your high IQ and incredible talents.
  • Always <plonk>(8) somebody just before replying the plonkee!
  • Write a self-published book and claim it a success. Bonus points for comparing it to "Mein Kampf" and/or the Bible.
  • Declare yourself equal to a deity of your choice.
  • Claim that you've come from other planets.
  • Claim thousands of past lives.
  • Frothing complaints carry far more weight when you send them from "legal@" some domain.
  • Nothing strikes terror into the hearts of your detractors more than telling them that you're archiving their messages for possible use in the future.
  • Never forget that everyone else posting to Usenet is a paid disinformation agent looking to discredit you.
  • Usenet is governed by US law. If a poster in Romania killfiles you, he's obviously violating your 1st Amendment rights and can be sued.
  • Every news admin in the world hangs out in NANAU(9), and they're just dying to nuke the account of that meanyhead who just called you "fucknozzle". Drop 'em a line - that's what they're there for, after all.
  • AUK(10) will be closed down. Just you wait and see.
  • They've nuked hundreds of accounts in the name of free speech and *yours* will be next.
  • Abuse women while telling how many hundreds you've loved. Nevermind that you're one ugly motherfucker and that there were 30,000 femininas that thought you were a scumbag with bad teeth.
  • Remember that your ko0ky klaims are 'facts', and that 'facts' do not require proof.
  • Do not neglect to poast your responses to forums that the originator doesn't read. This will make the people in that forum very impressed with how you tear him to shreds without him being able to respond. They like it even better if you are off-topic for that forum.
  • Keep in mind that lack of evidence supporting your konspiracy theory actually _is_ evidence, of how effective the konspiracy is in hiding.
  • Any problems with your poasts are the fault of the konspirators, who are trying to stop you from preventing the extinction of humanity.
  • Konspiracies that are able to subvert whole governments are always unable to silence konspiracy ko0ks.
  • The entire United States government is willing to spend millions of dollars for the sole purpose of harassing you.
  • Hollywood is making movies based on your personal life.
  • Do not consult psychiatrists or other mental health professionals. They are part of the konspiracy, and will sedate you and lock you away and keep you drugged if you tell them the truth.
  • Numerology and Astrology are respectable sciences and are useful for proving your case.
  • Everyone is Tim Hill, or David Green, or...
  • There is a fine line between trolling and kookery. Find that line and cross it repeatedly. When you are killfiled and/or LARTed for net.abuse as a result, claim victory. If you lose multiple accounts, this merely proves that you are indeed a world-class troll, with a black-belt in manipulation.
  • If you respond to every post someone else makes, they're obsessed. If they respond to less than 1% of your posts, they're even more obsessed.
  • Publishing people's real names, addresses, and phone numbers when there's no other way for you to come out of a flamewar with any dignity is cool, and proves that you are a master of secret internet information stores, and absolutely not to be fucked with.
  • Everyone is out to get you. You can put a stop to this by telling everyone that they're out to get you at every available opportunity.
  • You are the only sane one.
  • Those that give you a hard time about morally bankrupt things you yourself admit to are just persecutioners of the new inquisition.
  • Yelling in all caps and cursing at your detractors is debate. Your detractors laughing at you with sarcastic remarks is obvious anger and jealousy.
  • If doing something results in the loss of your account, legal hassles, or blunt trauma injury, do it again. It always works better the second time.
  • Asterisks, lots and lots of Asterisks.
  • Poking holes in kookscreed is stalking, and is a felony.
  • K00ks LOVE to "connect the dots". They are, of course, dots that only the k00k can see.
  • "They laughed at Einstein, too!"
...with thanks to Aratzio, Dr. Flonkenstein, Dan Baldwin, Cujo, CJ Osterwald, Jade, Bookman, and John Henry, of AUK; Insurgent.Org for hosting, and LowGenius Web Design for page design. Meow. Original thread at - some posts may not appear due to x-no-archive headers

Back to the trolls section at

Usenet Terminology Knowledge Notes (UTKN :-)

1) LART: Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool. Something large, heavy and painful.
The LART classic is a 2x4 or other large billet of wood usable as a club, to be applied upside the head of spammers and other people who cause sysadmins more grief than just naturally goes with the job. The term began as a fanciful one; the LART was canonically a baseball bat (in British nations, a cricket bat), or a very large piece of wood (like two meters of fence post, or in extreme cases, a railroad tie) used to whack the luser on the head in order to get their full and undivided attention before delivering the real message. It was adopted here as already-common usage with the expectation that "firing off a LART" would get the attention of the ISP involved, and would cause that entity ro shut down the spammer.

2) Poasting: "Post-Bombasting" or "Post-boasting". Posting preposterously, pompously and probably with your trousers' zip open, " la Kook", to make things clear.

3) Newsfroup: Froody (cool) Newsgroup. Either a typo or an hackers and geeks slang for Newsgroup. Hard to say which explanation would be worse.

4) Spnaked: Vague term for an embarassing mistake of the KooK-(and troll)-artist: Exposed as a spammer... caught by his own ISP and lost his emailaddress... his real personality exposed. Also typo for 'spanked' :-)

5) Cmsg: A control message is used to:
(a) create a new group
(b) remove an existing group
(c) rename an existing group, which is actually a sequence of (a) followed by (b)
(d) change the status of a group from unmoderated to moderated or viceversa

6) Fanboi: in french it would be more or less "la clacque" :-) Also used for an individual obsessed with a single target of adoration (cfr Fanboy, but it should be written with an "i": Fanboi and not Fanboy, eventl plural: Fanbois).

7) Sneck: is the noise it makes when the electrons representing a superfluous (and/or/because offending) newsgroup on the Newsgroups (crossposted) header return to the ether void.

8) plonk, or more frequently *plonk* (the asterisks give the soundeffect): Used to inform someone that they have messed up and are now resident in a kill-file. The claimed meaning "Put Lamer on Killfile" is prolly a back formation given the high improbability of an acronymical "on".

" is a forum for DISCUSSION OF POSSIBLE ABUSES OF USENET (as defined in news.announce.newusers). Possible topics include spamming or Excessive Multi-Posting (EMP), Excessive Cross-Posting (ECP), Usenet chain letters such as MAKE.MONEY.FAST, forged or third-party cancellations, broken Usenet gateways, forgery of another user, forged approvals in moderated groups, massively crossposted "flametrolls", abuse of the newsgroup creation system, general purpose netiquette, and so forth." Please DO NOT post reports and sightings here.

10) You guessed it: AUK: Alt-Usenet-Kooks.